Josh’s tutorials

26
October 2020

You know it, I love to help others face the worst pitfalls in life, especially on Facebook.
So here is a tutorial to help you defeat scam attempts and other fake accounts on the famous social service network.

Grandad Harold

Nowadays, it becomes more and more complicated to know who we are dealing with when we talk on the Internet. Obviously, behind a screen or a smartphone, you can pretend to be anyone (or anything). If others use this ignominious process, why not you ?
So, to unsettle your fake interlocutor and win a tough battle and make yourself more beautiful, stronger and faster, I offer you some tips to elevate yourself in society.

Of course, this golden service is not free and will cost you your choice :

  • your soul,
  • $ 50,000 including tax payable in five installments free of charge,
  • a kiss.
Are you ready ?
LET’S GO !


Attempted fraud (fake business, pseudo financial gift, etc.)

Start the conversation normally.
Trade small talk (“how are you ?”, “how is your family ?”, “Pizza or fries ?”) and wait for your fake account to throw at you his poisoned gift. This usually never lasts long.

  • At first, politely decline. It's not about scaring your prey away. If he gives up right away, you won't have a chance to have fun with him.
  • Batman As soon as the false account retries an attack, pretend your refusal by saying that you work for the CIA before immediately refuting and saying that you are in fact BATMAN (in capital letters, this is important), Batman is very rich as you certainly know.
    Don't hesitate to include a few ellipsis in your sentences, managing suspense is essential.
  • Your fake account won't drop so easily and will pretend nothing.
    When he insists, argue that you are rich enough to be able to go to McDonald's every day.
  • When faced with a new attack, tell him that you are so rich that you bought the dark side of the moon because your garden in Gotham City is too small. Also add that you do not recommend trying to garden there because of the lack of sunlight.

In principle, your fake account accepts its humiliating defeat and ends the conversation.
You have won, you are a hero !

Batman

You are... BATMAN !


Attempt to start a family / start a love affair / start a sincere friendship with a complete stranger

As with the previous point, always talk to your friend normally.
Wait patiently for your correspondent to ask for your phone number or your email address. As before, this step will happen quickly.

  • Refuse gently at first.
  • After the second offensive, say that you are afraid of smartphones or that your email address gives you anxiety and that you are unable to write it.
  • Suggest to your imaginary friend that they communicate telepathically instead. Explain to him that you were trained in this form of language when you were on retreat in Tibet. Outbid by saying that the best is to communicate in Morse code telepathically.
    To prove your knowledge, pass on this sentence : .. / . .- - / -... .- -... -.-- / .--. .- -. --. --- .-.. .. -. / . ...- . .-. -.-- / -- --- .-. -. .. -. --. .-.-.-
    Which means : “I eat baby pangolin every morning.”.
  • Then tell him that you just sent another sentence using your supernatural abilities. Ask if he received your message.

At this point, your correspondent has given up.
If he's not, he's having so much fun than you. From then on, you have won a true friend for life. ? It's beautiful !

Care Bears

It’s so cute...


Attempt to enroll in a sect

In real life, you will have to face the worst that is done: Jehovah's Witnesses.
Just writing it scares me...
Don't worry, I will help you defeat these representatives of absolute Evil.

  • When these people (are they really people from elsewhere ?) ring your doorbell, open it normally.
  • Let them talk for a few seconds, no more.
  • Interrupt them firmly.
  • Your choice (or make a mix, it's up to you) :
    • Show your blood donor card.
    • To shout “Glory to Satan !” with big eyes and drooling.
    • Explain to them that you yourself are the guru of a growing sect and offer them to join your ranks.
    • Threatening to release the dogs.
    • Tell them “No actually, I don't live here” and give them the address of someone you don't like.
    • Tell them that you work in the anti-sect cell of the Ministry of Justice.
  • Wish them a good day and close your door with a sneer.

You are now on their red list and they will never bother you again.

Jehovah's Witnesses

Jehovah's Witnesses... Bbbrrr...


There you are, now you are armed to overcome life's worst threats.
Thanks who ? Thanks Josh !

All these little tips, I tested them and they have all the safety certifications.
No animals were injured during the tests.

Grandad Harold

Thanks who ?



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